i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
