3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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