I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
