In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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