Whatcha textin bout Willis?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
