wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
