She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
