i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
