I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
