every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
