Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
