i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's the barista slut.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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