I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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