The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
