thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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