didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
