I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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