I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
