my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
