if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
