I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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