i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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