my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
