i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
