Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
