i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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