woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
