If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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