yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
