I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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