Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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