Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
