I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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