Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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