Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
