i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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