can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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