Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I deserve this hangover.
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