I'm so fucking centered right now
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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