I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
