I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
