this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
