Farmville is her only friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
