She is in my trunk
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
