What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
