did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
