Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
