One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
