so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
