You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
