youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
4 words: hood of his car
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
